Chap. 183 Reconciliation

Chap. 183 Reconciliation

Francie's advice stuck in his head.

"She's got something going on, K'ndar. The only way you can solve this issue with Lindea,IF you want to solve it, is to talk to her. If she doesn't want to talk, there's not much you can do to force her to do so. If nothing else, you can always say you tried. If all else fails, just be polite, distant, and realize it's not YOU that's got a bug up their butt, it's her," she said.

They'd returned from Sweet Grass much too late, so he had the entire next day to think about what he was going to say.

Steeling himself for what he believed was going to be a shouting match, K'ndar waited outside the dining hall. He knew Lindea was due to get off her shift, and thought being outside would make an audience less likely. He was wrong.

Siskin roosted on his shoulder. He'd just fed, so he was content.

Lindea walked out, heading for her weyr.

She glanced his way, looked away, then looked back-and kept walking.

"Lindea! Hi! Got a few minutes?" he called after her.

She stopped and turned. He could see her struggling to make up her mind.

"I'm really busy…" she said, frowning.

"No, you're not, you just got off work. Don't you have a few minutes to talk to me?" he asked, annoyed.

Her gold fire lizard, Zeta, swooped in from somewhere and landed on her shoulder.

She avoided his gaze, pretending not to hear. Instead, she crooned to the gold, "How's my beauty queen, Zeta girl?" She began to walk off, pointedly ignoring K'ndar. That pissed him off.

"She's pregnant."

She stopped and turned, shock in her eyes.

"She's…pregnant?" she gasped, unbelieving.

"Yes. I saw the mating flight," he said, making his voice cool. He'd been the target of her jealousy for long enough to give him the courage to return her coldness. It was still difficult.

"How…how did you…"

"She followed us, Lindea. Did you send her after me when I left here with Francie?"

He could see the panic in her eyes, telling him she definitely had done just that.

"Uh, uh,um,..isn't she a little OLD for you?" Lindea said, recovering fast enough to avoid the question.

Anger blew up in his mind, but he controlled it with an iron grip.

"That's a low blow, Lindea. She's a FRIEND, she's married, and I do not understand why you feel the need to treat me as if I've done something wrong," he snapped.

"I haven't…"

"Yes, you have. When Risal came to visit, you treated her like she hadn't bothered to clean up after cleaning the latrine. Now you're making snarky remarks about Francie's age. It sounds as if you're implying that I'm sleeping with them. Now you're about to walk off as if I didn't say hello. You don't have the time to talk to me, so I'll just cut to the chase. Why did you send your Zeta after our dragons when we left? Was it to spy on us?"

Lindea's face screwed up. "I didn't know she was in heat. She must have followed on her own," she said.

"Nice try, Lindea, but I've had enough of this nonsense. I have never treated you with anything but kindness and respect. Apparently you don't feel the need to at least be polite to my guests. If you don't want to be friends with me any longer, just come out and say so," he snapped.

"I…it's not what you think," she said.

"So what is it? I’m tired of having to defend myself every time I walk into the dining hall. Do you want to be friends or NOT?"

Her eyes rolled and she shouted,

"Can't you get it through your head that I want more than that?"

She whirled to go off. Zeta was hissing.

Confused, he was annoyed by the crowd that was forming, people always willing to watch a drama.

"What?" he gasped, his mind whirling upside down and sideways.

She was about to continue, but, seeing the crowd forming, turned to stomp off.

"Don't you dare run off, Lindea," he said, "face it. You're treating me like shit and it needs to be settled, one way or another," he said.

She stopped, heaved a sigh and said, "Let's go somewhere where we're not the center of attention."

The people who had obviously been listening suddenly found a hundred different directions to gaze, except theirs.

"Zeta. Go home. I'll be there shortly," she ordered her gold fire lizard.

Taking her cue, K'ndar said, "Siskin. Go home. Go to Raventh."

The fire lizards obeyed.
Lindea said, "In the office," and re-entered the dining hall. K'ndar, followed her in a daze, wondering what she meant by "more than that".

Drul, a drudge was cleaning it, but when she saw the look on Lindea's face, she froze.

"Drul. We need to talk without being overheard. Please make sure no one is listening, to include YOU," Lindea snapped.

"Yes'm," the girl said, and fled.

K'ndar, right behind Lindea, suddenly felt asif the office was a trap.

Lindea turned and having managed to collect herself, said, "Yes, I had Zeta follow you. I wanted to see what you and that woman were up to."

"I won't ask why you think it's any of your business, because you've already decided to make it so. So instead, tell me, what did you see? What did Zeta show you?

Her face fell.

"Some pretty mountains, lots of animals, people," she admitted.

"Annnnnnd? Any…action…between me and Francie?", he said, oozing sarcasm.

"No. At least, not what Zeta saw. She came right back. You saw her mating?"

"Yes. Francie has three fire lizards. Zeta flew off with her bronze, Coora. Didn't you see that in her head?"

"Um…..I …wasn't looking for that," she said, crestfallen.

"No doubt," K'ndar said, growling. "No doubt. Because NOTHING happened between Francie and me. She's a friend, a better one than you, by the way."

She grimaced. "That's not fair, K'ndar."

"Fair? Is it fair to treat me like a dungboot when I have a friend with me who happens to be female? Why not when I have a male friend? What will you do when my sister has breakfast with me? Or my mum? Or our Weyrwoman? Treat me like shit?"

She hung her head.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I…I was jealous. You showing up with these women, I guess, it hurt me, to think that…well…"

"Well, what? I'm not gay, Lindea, I like females. I never thought I'd have to ask your permission before I spoke to one," he snapped.

She took a deep breath and said,

"It wasn't meant that way, it wasn't. It's just, I kept wondering, why isn't he showing me the same sort of attention? Why are we just friends?"

"Because we are just friends. You have male friends, I've seen you with them," he said.

"Yes, but, they're not friends like you are, K'ndar."

She glanced over his shoulder to see if anyone was overhearing. Drul had done a good job, no one was eavesdropping.

"I've treated you like every other female friend I have, Lindea. No different. I've never made a move on anyone, at least not here," he snapped.

"That's the point," she said.

"WHAT is the point? I can't read your mind, Lindea, I'm sick of your mind games. You seem to think you know me pretty well, so you know I hate guessing games. So just come out with it, eh?"

She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. Then, it came out, in a flow of emotion.

"I have always liked you more than you can ever know, K'ndar. I just didn't show it. I was jealous, because…I want to be married to you, K'ndar, or at least weyrmates. I love you. I want to have children with you," she said.

K'ndar's world staggered. He felt his stomach knot. Love? She loves ME? And wants to settle? Having kids?

His wits scattered, but his soul reached out and snatched them back.

No. I'm just now spreading my wings, he thought, I'm not ready for this. He had no words, no way to say it, but she was expecting some sort of response, and instinct told him it wasn't his bolting.

"So…"

"So, yes, I've been trying to tell you without telling you. I wanted it to be your idea. I want to start a family. With you," she said.

Ah. The straw tossed to the drowning man. He grabbed it, desperately.

He shook his head.

"Lindea. I'm a dragonrider. You know this. You were Searched but didn't impress because, unless you've changed your mind, you told me you didn't want the lifestyle of a dragonrider. When dragons mate, we do, too, and it's not always with someone we want, or are even attracted to. Isn't that why you didn't want to impress a dragon? Because you couldn't bear to be with a man who you can't bring yourself to have sex with, but his dragon flies yours? I'm sure you feel the mating urge when Mirth is about to rise, even if you HAVEN'T impressed a dragon. Right?"

"Well, yes, but,"

"It's the same way with men, Lindea. Only we have it worse. It's EVERY time ANY female dragon goes into heat, green or gold. I remember talking with my wingmates, when Jenmay was 'weyrwoman', we were terrified that Jiannath would go into heat. F'mart swore he'd commit suicide if Kenth flew her gold. I have never been so happy to fly Thread as I did the day she did mate, it kept us out of the weyr," he said, remembering that day. Just the memory of the horrid Jenmay brought shivers.

She just looked at him, at a loss for words. She wasn't convinced, he could see it.

"Lindea. I've liked you from the minute I met you. I always thought of you as special. But I'm sorry. I'm not ready to settle down, I am not interested in sharing a weyr or marrying anyone right now, and most importantly, I don't want children."

"What?" she said, unable to even conceive the notion.

"I don't want kids. None. Not now, not ever. I've known since I was a kid myself that I didn't want any. Maybe that makes me selfish, or crazy, if so, I'll own it. But I'm not ready to settle down, and I don't want children," he said in a rush.

"Not…any? Not even Just Two?"

"Not ANY. Not one. Not two. None."

She backed up until she found Hariko's benchseat and sat down, her turn now to be flabbergasted.

"None?" she repeated, unbelieving.

"None. Several reasons but two most important. I've read some of the history of Terra. One of the reasons their world was destroyed was because of too many people. Too many people! Do you know that, when the settlers left Terra, there were 10 BILLION people on Earth? Billions! And that was AFTER billions died of famine, disease, fighting each other for a drink of water. I can't even come close to grasping that number. People reproduced and used up all the resources. Do you know that the only thing they had left to eat was insects? I don't want that happening to Pern.

We can't escape an overpopulated planet, not this time, only one starship left and her engines were used to knock the Red Star out of its orbit. That, and there's only one way to get to her, by dragon. That term Just Two? They meant that, the Ancients, they knew very well why they'd escaped, and counted themselves lucky. They crafted the Charter to warn us to not have any more than two children, to replace the parents. We don't have any predators here, to keep our numbers 'sustainable'. To prevent our destroying this last chance humans have of surviving."

He stopped to catch his breath. Odd, he thought, he'd used the word sustainable twice in as many days.

"That, and I just don't want to have children. Okay? So you go ahead, treat me like a dirty dungbooted jerk, it's fine with me. I'll find times to eat here when you're not working. That way you don't have to snub me like you've done. For that matter, I don't have to STAY here, I can go anywhere I want on this planet, and find people who don't treat me like you have," he said, thinking, but I don't want to leave this weyr. It's home. But I have to get out of here, I just can't deal with this. I'm done.

"Just do me a favor, please? Next time you want to snoop into my personal affairs, DON'T. It's none of your business WHO I see, who I fly with, even who I sleep with."

He turned to walk out.

"K'ndar."

He stopped, knowing she was going to stop him and dreading her next move.

Her face pale but composed, Lindea said, "I'm sorry. I was wrong," she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.

He softened. He didn't like to hurt her. I'm a softie, I'm too soft hearted for my own good, but I have to get her to see.

You are soft hearted. That is a good thing. I wouldn't want a human who was hard in the heart Raventh said.


"It's okay, Lindea," he said, at a loss on how to mend the rift. Of if he even should. 

"It's not okay, K'ndar. I treated you badly. I wish…I wish I'd had the courage to …um..."

"Bring this up before this? I know. I wish you had, because I'm sorry, but my friends now think of you as a stuffed up wretch. I kept wondering, why is this sweet natured Lindea, suddenly turned into sour wine? But now I understand."

Lindea snuffled. "I want kids. Two. I want a husband, someone who's,well, not a dragonrider lifestyle, I like dragons, of course, but..I want someone for ME. I thought, you were the one, I know how kind you are, how smart you are, I..dreamed you were the one," she said. She sighed.

"But, Lindea…I'm a dragonrider. Didn't that make a difference?"

She shrugged. "I hoped it would be the same sort of situation as what Lord Jaxom and Lady Sharra have. Yes, he rides a dragon, but he's not a dragonRIDER, like you, and the rest," she said.

"Lindea. Jaxom rides Ruth. Ruth is a sport. He's neuter. He's never demonstrated any interest in mating. Raventh does, he's ALWAYS chatting up the greens. I am who I am, Lindea, I can't change myself to make you happy, and honestly, I don't want to," he said.

She nodded.

"I know. It was, well, I guess I was hoping, even dreaming, that you would, well, change to um, make me happy. But never mind. I can't change myself either," she said.

She got up and approached him to take his hand.

That sent his nerves skyrocketing. Don't kiss me, don't, Lindea, he thought, I don't want to cave…

She was disturbingly beautiful.

"I'm sorry, K'ndar, I was mean. If you'll forgive me, I promise I won't treat you like that again. I'd still like to be friends, though? Please?" she said.

He took a deep breath.

"Sure," he said, unsteadily.

"Thank you. Thank you for being honest with me, about no kids. And for telling me about Zeta. That was a mistake I won't make again," and she tried to laugh.

K'ndar shook his head. "Well, this time, we'll make sure the kids in the weyr don't know she's pregnant."

They both laughed. It felt good.