Chap. 136 B'rost's reasons

Chap. 136  B'rost at the Bench

M'rvin looked hard at B'rost. The blue rider had been crying, his face now puffy and red. His snuffling was the only sound. He'd immediately sat down on the office floor, refusing to meet M'rvin's eyes.

M'rvin had called D'nis, the survey team leader, to attend. D'nis came in, followed by Siena, the Weyrwoman. The dragonrider who'd frogmarched B'rost to the Weyrleader's office stood apart from B'rost, ready to grab him should need be. 

"Sir, this dragonrider, B'rost, punched another dragonrider, K'ndar, in the nose without provocation. Many people witnessed it, to include myself. Oscoral, the night baker, directed me to bring him to your office," he reported.

There was several moments of silence, all eyes on the blue rider.

M'rvin cleared his throat, hoping to encourage the young rider to start. But B'rost said nothing.

Fine.

"B'rost, stand up on your feet."

B'rost shook his head.

"B'rost, stand up. Look me in the eye. It will go hard on you if you refuse to cooperate," he said.

Was this kid-he was just barely 18-going to force him to escalate measures of discipline he didn't want to impose? What was going on?

B'rost scrambled to his feet but kept his face down.

"Look me in the eye, B'rost, and explain to me your actions of this morning, in the dining hall," he said. 

D'nis wondered what in the name of Pern was going on. This wasn't B'rost, not the one he knew. This one looked sullen, resentful and his tears unconvincing. They appeared to be more  from adrenaline draining, rather than emotion.

"I punched K'ndar in the nose."

"Why?"

B'rost suddenly looked heated.

"I hate him!"

What???

"You…hate K'ndar? Why?"

B'rost shook his head. "You won't listen and you won't understand."

Siena was watching closely.

There is something in his heart that hurts Mirth, her gold, said.

"Try us, eh? We were your age once. What can have caused you to suddenly hate your teammate, classmate, and, we thought, friend? Did he do something to you?" she asked.

D'nis added, "B'rost, let me remind you…dragons cannot lie. If you lie to us, our dragons will tell us," he said, his voice cold.

B'rost gulped and shook his head. 

"Everyone is so taken with K'ndar. He found the artifacts, he was being chased by Toric, he went and found that new animal. No one gives ME credit, no one pays attention to ME," he said.

"So-you're envious of K'ndar?" Siena asked, "Jealous?"

B'rost frowned. "I'm NOT JEALOUS. See, I knew you wouldn't understand," he said flinching at her perfectly targeted accusation. He WAS jealous.

"I can't imagine why you'd punch him without a reason, and jealousy was the first thing that struck me," the Weyrwoman said, "and now I think you are saying I'm wrong. So, I'm listening. Tell me what it is I'm not understanding."

B'rost struggled.

"It's…it's…well, I used to look up to him, like a big brother. But it's like I don't even exist to him," B'rost said, "He just doesn't seem to have time for me."

He is feeling rejected. Like a blue or brown dragon, when I am rising to mate, I don't want any dragon but Arcturuth, my bronze, to mate me Mirth, her gold dragon, queen of the weyr.

Ahh. That was it. 

You are right. 

Rath told me, too. Rath says he's been thinking about K'ndar for a long time.

Do Corvuth and Arcturuth know?

Now they do.

D'nis and M'rvin exchanged knowing glances, as their dragons filled them in. They nodded to Siena. B'rost didn't see it.

She shook her head. Bloody hormones. They screwed up so many things so often. Why humans insisted on being in heat all the time, it seemed, made no sense. How much easier life would be if we could regulate our hormones, set a breeding season,  like every other animal. 

I find it so strange that you humans mate anytime you want, even if you don't want to. It makes your brains crazy Mirth added. 

Siena had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. B'rost saw that.

"SEE!! Now you think it's funny, right?" he shouted at her.

"B'rost, at ease. You have no reason to shout. We are merely trying to learn why you did such a thing, when I've known you long enough to know that you aren't the brawling type," D'nis snapped. 

"I am not laughing at you, B'rost. I understand, now. My dragon told me how you are feeling. Rath told her," she said.

"And mine," D'nis and M'rvin said, in unison.

B'rost flushed. In a way, it made this meeting so much easier. But he felt…betrayed by his blue.

They asked me. I can't not tell them what you are feeling. I feel it when you do Rath said to him, it hurts me when you hurt. Raventh wants to know why you hit K'ndar, too.

"It's not just that. I know he's straight. But I can't…can't tell my heart that. It doesn't listen."

"So you punch him in the nose?" Siena said, knowing the way through this now.

"Well…yeah. To make him pay attention to me, make him….respect me, maybe then, he'll understand why …it hurts for him to ignore me."

M'rvin sighed. 

"Have you had an argument with K'ndar regarding this? Even mentioned it to him?"

"Oh, no, no. See, that's just it, I don't…it's like I'm crazy. K'ndar has never hurt me, never. He  even protected me when Jenmay was after me. She scared me, and I…I..well, I ..girls and women, I don't..understand. But this morning something just snapped in me. I'm so sore from cutting papergrass yesterday, all day, in the hot sun, I got a headache so bad, I didn't have anything to drink all day. The stuff cut my hands to ribbons because the 

Masterfarmer's staff didn't warn me that I should wear gloves. That and I kept getting the yellow powder from the  grass in my mouth, my nose was all stuffed up and I couldn't breathe through it. It tasted strange," he said, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "even now, it's all I can taste."

He snerked, a sound that was annoying to all of the adults.

Use a hanky, Siena thought, but she kept her opinion to herself.  

"You have considered, haven't you, that K'ndar…along with me and D'mitran, have been gone for several months, only managing to come home to our weyr once in a while, usually only enough time for an overnight in our own quarters, a refit and a decent shower, haven't you?

I hadn't even a chance to meet with M'rvin and Siena until two days ago, and right in the middle of harvest. We got one night to ourselves, then we're off on tasking. D'mitran, for instance, is on the other side of Singing Waters, harvesting nuts, after just one night or two with his wife and kids," D'nis said.

"Well, yes, I knew that. But he could have at least dropped by my weyr to say hello," B'rost said, beginning to feel defensive.

"Did you take the time to come visit him?"

"Well, noooooooo, I've been busy." 

"Those tunnels in the weyr go both ways, B'rost," M'rvin said, holding tightly to his patience.

 "Is that all of it?" he asked.

"Well, that, and the people at Landing, they treat me like a kid. Even after I worked so hard to get my skeleton recovered, that and the boulder, and no one is giving me any credit. It's K'ndar this. It's F'mart that. That was my skeleton and I got no credit for it."

Now he was aggrieved.

D'nis pounced.

"But, B'rost, I was there when it was found. You WEREN'T the first person to see it. D'mitran found it. Remember?"

B'rost's jaw dropped. "No, no," he stuttered.

"Yes," D'nis said, "I remember it clearly. You and K'ndar were wandering the strand, picking up rocks. You found a large boulder full of fossils. I was up on the edge of the treeline, taking readings, and D'mitran called us all when he found the skeleton.

Like all dragonriders, I have an excellent memory. Dragonriders have to have sharp memories, you know that. For you to forget that concerns me, B'rost. It's worrisome. To add to it, I have my data, D'mitran has his, K'ndar has his. D'mitran found the skeleton, not you."

He paused, gathering his argument. He had B'rost's attention,now, seeing the confusion in the teen's eyes.

"But D'mitran doesn't mind that you get credit because, you may not know this, but the Landing staff DO attribute the find to you. AND the boulder," he said, "and if I were to ask him, I'm betting D'mitran would say it doesn't matter WHO gets the credit, we were a team. A TEAM, B'rost, not the D'nis and D'mitran and B'rost and K'ndar steppe survey team. There is no "I" in team."

B'rost,gobsmacked, shied from admitting that D'nis was right. How had he made that mistake? It HAD been D'mitran. He'd forgotten that.

He felt sheepish, embarrassed and now only wanted to get out of the office. All feelings of resentment had fled.

"So, you see, B'rost, your anger is misplaced. K'ndar didn't have it coming. You owe him an apology," D'nis said.

The dragonrider behind B'rost, who'd taken it all in, said, "AND the woman who you shoved aside at the table. That was rude, and uncalled for," he said.

"You can't make somebody like you, B'rost." Siena added, "and I think you're casting K'ndar as the bad one when it's nothing of the sort. It's difficult, I know. I KNOW. I know how it feels when….when someone you have deep feelings for doesn't reciprocate. Or when someone you DON'T have a feeling for, still insists on shoving his way into your life.

When our female dragons rise to mate, us dragon women, green riders even more so than gold riders, sometimes find ourselves in a sexual situation with a man whom we abhor. It's not easy to deal with. I'm lucky," she said, looking sideways at M'rvin, her weyrmate, her eyes glowing with that look reserved just for him, "in that I love MY weyrmate. But there's a lot of women in Pern, not just dragonriders, who get 'stuck'-and I do mean stuck-with bedmates they don't particularly like. You are who YOU are, and K'ndar is who HE is. You can love someone without having to have a deep relationship with him."

"It works the other way, too," D'nis said, "I was utterly terrified that Corvuth would mate Jianath, Jenmay's gold. I think I'd sooner go between to my death rather than bed Jenmay," he said, shuddering at the thought.

I wouldn’t have tried too hard to catch her his bronze, Corvuth, said.

They all laughed, even B'rost.

D'nis thought of Danelle his weyrmate and Weyrwoman. I will never forget you, my love, never, he thought, his heart hurting all over again.

B'rost sighed.

"Okay. It's so hard to argue with my heart," he said.

They all nodded.

"In the meantime, B'rost, there is the matter of your assault on K'ndar in the dining hall."

The atmosphere turned chilly again.

B'rost stood up straight, this time, and looked M'rvin in the eye.

"Yes, sir."

"I will talk to K'ndar later today. He's asleep right now, after being given a dose of fellis by our healer, who had to reset the nose you broke."

"Billek said he should be out of it, soon enough, but he's restricted to quarters for the day," Siena said.

"Yes, sir."

"You've effectively taken a workman out of the day's schedule. K'ndar was working on the haying crew at Lord Dorn's Hold. For today, at least, I am assigning YOU to take his place on that crew. You will find it hard work. I suggest you wear work gloves and a bandana…and take some water with you. You may have heat exhaustion. In the meantime, I'll consider what punitive actions I should take against you," M'rvin continued.

B'rost gulped.

"Yes, sir." he said.

"Anything you want to add?" M'rvin said, relieved that this was over sooner than he'd expected.

"Sir, I want to say "I'm sorry" to K'ndar and Oscoral, and even you," he turned to the dragonman who'd brought him in. "I'm sorry," he said. The dragonman nodded.

"For the moment, apologizing to K'ndar will have to wait until tonight. He doesn't have much tolerance for fellis, it appears," M'rvin said.