Chap. 215 Coming to an Agreement

 

Chap. 215 Coming to an agreement

Rather than go back to his weyr...it was late, and dragons seldom flew after dark, K'ndar took a bunk in Landing's visitor's dorm.

He was grateful to have the place to himself.

He settled himself on the bunk. Siskin curled up at his feet and promptly went to sleep. Wish I'd thought to bring my toothbrush, he thought. Guess the entire day has been one of me being completely unprepared. Lesson learned, K'ndar!

Okay, he said to Raventh, thank you for your patience. I don't want to keep either of us up too long, but..you wanted to discuss my..our leaving the weyr for Dorn's Hold.

Yes. I wanted to stop you saying it before you said it. I thought you were doing something without thinking about it.

I understand. I'm sorry I didn't take your opinion into consideration. How do you feel about leaving the weyr?

I have been thinking it. I think I would miss being with other dragons.

I've thought of that, too. Living there would probably be much different, especially as there would be no other dragons.

He rumbled it around in his head. Would M'rvin mind if they came to visit other dragons? Even after he'd signed out?

Is there a certain dragon that you'd miss more than others?

It was Raventh's turn to rumble his thoughts.

Yes and no. I wouldn't miss Mirth. All the time, when I'm around a gold or a bronze, I feel small, like I was still a hatchling. I prefer being with other browns and blues. And greens.

I know that feeling well. I felt it today...has it been just one day? Good grief...but I know that when M'rvin was chastising me, I felt like a little boy again, a hatchling.

They were both quiet for a long moment.

I think I'd miss Careth the most. He is a good friend.

K'ndar nodded in the dark.

Yes. And his rider, D'mitran, is my good friend. I respect him. He's always treated me well. So has D'nis, but...he's a bronze rider, and he's not so much a friend as he is a father to me.

You want this, don't you. You want to move to the Hold.

K'ndar sighed.

I think so. Mind you, we might be all wrong, Dorn might merely want us to do something for him, one off.

No. I heard him. He wants us at his Hold. He likes you.

Do you want this?

It was Raventh's turn to mentally sigh.

I am just a dragon. I do as I'm told.

NO THAT'S not fair! K'ndar shouted.

What do you mean? It's true.

Have I ever done this to you, before? Made decisions that you haven't liked?

Not that I can remember. But my remembering is getting more every day. I don't remember having a discussion about it. I've always gone where you tell me to.

The word is 'memory' And it's getting 'better'. Yes, you're right, you've never disobeyed, or told me no. If I did something that you disagreed with, you never said anything. I just assumed you were fine with it. Is that the case now?

I don't remember you ever asking my opinion.

Ouch. I'm sorry.

I don't think ANY dragonrider asks his dragon what they think of a decision. But maybe I think that because we are changing. All of us, now that we no longer are having to eat fire stone, all of us are feeling our brains clear. We do a lot more talking to each other, now.

That's...interesting. I like that you are more aware, I like when you ask me questions. Now I feel bad, because in the past, I've just said, we go here we do that, like I've given orders to a horse or a dog. It never occurred to me that you might want something other than a chance to go hunt or swim. In the past, have you resented when I've given you an order?

Raventh was silent. K'ndar suddenly realized that while Raventh was in HIS head, had been from the moment of Impression, he was not, nor had he ever been in Raventh's. Was this unusual? Had anyone ever noticed it with their dragons? Yes, he knew that dragons were telepathic, and humans were not. But it was the first time he actually understood what that meant.

Raventh?

I'm thinking. I can't remember being angry with anything you told me to do. We've always been...together.

That makes me feel better. So from now on, I'll always ask you your opinion, how you feel about things. Remember, sometimes I can't say no, when I'm told to do something. In some ways, I'm 'just a dragon' too. But I'll always think of what you want...and if I don't PLEASE remind me. Please?

Thank you. I will.

So, now, my brother, I ask you, what do you think WE should do. Move to the Hold? Where we might have far more freedom to do what we want when we're not on duty? Or stay in the Weyr?

Raventh was quiet for many long moments. Then he said,

I know you want to go. I hear two thinks..I hear two THOUGHTS in your mind, this one says you want to give it a try and the one you don't hear is saying you are afraid to, maybe it won't be right, maybe people will be angry with you. You care very much what people like D'mitran think of you.

If you don't like it, can we return to the Weyr?

He was amazed at the depths the dragon was in his mind. Something he'd never thought of, again. I DO have undercurrents, two chains of thought. And I AM afraid, a little. Of change, of the new, the not knowing.

Of course. I've never heard of any dragonrider being turned away at Kahrain Steppe. I think the only reason some weyrs do is because they just don't have room for another dragon. Like Ruatha. Or, sometimes, it's when some dragonrider has fought with another human at the weyr, and is forced to leave. This wouldn't be the same situation, Raventh, because I wouldn't be leaving because of something I'd done, something bad or, for instance, the way that M'rvin treated me...

Insight burst into his mind.

OH! NOW I understand, Raventh. NOW I know why you yelled at me to stop before I said I resign. You know me better than I know myself. I am glad you did. Because I was about to 'burn a bridge'. Uncle Fland used to tell me, "never burn your bridges, K'ndar, you may have to run back over them."

What is a bridge?

It's a, um, a wooden path over a river. We humans use bridges to walk or ride over a body of water so that we don't get wet or fall into the water.

Why would you burn it, then? Then you'd get wet.

K'ndar laughed despite himself.

It's hard to explain. We humans are too emotional. Sometimes—like I was this morning. I was so angry, so humiliated at M'rvin's treatment of me that I was about to say "I quit" and leave the weyr. I had no plan, no idea where to go, I just wanted to be away from M'rvin forever.

I know. I felt your anger. I've never seen you so angry. I thought you might attack M'rvin.

I know. I don't like confrontation. I'm not a fighter. So I thought I had no other alternative.

He paused, wondering what sort of trouble he'd have been in had he punched M'rvin out.

When we get angry like that, we do or say things that we shouldn't, and it destroys the relationship we had so much so that there is no returning to it. Then we become prideful, or just plain too stupid to admit we made a mistake. We don't want to say 'I'm sorry' because we're afraid we'll be thought of as weak. So instead of admitting we made a mistake, we take on the path we suddenly have chosen, and usually it turns out worse than if we'd just own our mistakes and apologize. That's what it means to 'burn a bridge". It means we take an action that can't be repaired or undone.

I think that makes sense. For you humans. Not us.

You dragons don't have this tangled mass of emotions that we humans do. It drives us crazy sometimes.

Yes. M'rvin was mad and happy with Siena this morning. First they were fighting and then 'kissing'. Things like that drive us dragons crazy. Which one is it?. Pick one or the other but both at the same time? How do you do that?

K'ndar laughed out loud.

That's what I mean. I don't know how we do it, we just...do. Once we're adults, we're expected to control it. When someone doesn't, though, you lose trust in the other person. I've lost trust in M'rvin. Once that happens, it's almost impossible to regain.

What is trust?

Woof. How to explain something as ephemeral as trust?

Let me try. Um... up until today, I always 'trusted' that M'rvin would act like a weyrleader. He'd treat me with respect, not blame me for his problems with Siena, not accuse me of doing something that I had no power of saying No to. I expected him to act like a mature human, not a love struck teenager. Now I see him in a different light, and I don't trust him to not act like that again.

Does that make sense?

Not really...

Okay, let me take it closer.

He thought hard. Ah.

When I ask you to launch, what do you do?

Do? I crouch, set my wings, jump into the sky, and start flying.

Yes, but what about me?

You're on my back, holding on.

To what?

To the harness!

How do you KNOW I'm holding on?

I..can feel it. I can feel your weight and I have to adjust my balance. I can feel the pull on the harness, I can feel that you're buckled in. It feels different than when you just jump on and say let's go.

And if you feel that I'm NOT buckled in, what would you do?

I'd..I'd wait until you were.

Why?

Because I don't want you to fall off!

RIGHT. You worry that I might fall off. So you wait until I am buckled in. I don't have to think, oh, will Raventh launch before I'm ready? Because you never have. You always wait until I'm secure. I TRUST you to wait until you are sure I'm ready for your launch.

Ohhhh. I understand. Is it the same as me trusting you to make sure I'm oiled if I need it? Or like today, you asked me if I was hungry?

Yes. You trust me to make sure you are happy, healthy, well fed.

I understand. I do!

Now, if one day, you said you were hungry, could you go hunt...and I said NO, what would you feel?

I would feel bad. And hungry. I would wonder why.

If I just said, no reason, just NO, would you always wonder why, after that?

After a very VERY long wait, Raventh said, Probably.

Now I remember something. Jiannath, the gold queen who mated with Menkarth. After Elenath, my dam, died.

Yes. She was Jenmay's gold. Jenmay was evil. What about her?

During the hurricane, Jiannath shouted to us. She said that Jenmay had been giving her something to make her come into heat. She gave some food to Danelle to make her die.

Even before then, she was unhappy with Jenmay. Jenmay had been feeding her flowers that made her mind think strange things. She said it made her eyes see strange things and make her hear things that weren't there. She asked Jenmay to stop, she didn't like it. But Jenmay said eat it. You need to come into heat. She told Jenmay she didn't want to mate, she was too old. Jenmay said you WILL mate. When we were all heading inland to get away from the hurricane, Jiannath wanted to come with us. The older dragons had told her the hurricane was too dangerous. Jenmay wouldn't let her. She told her no, stay in the weyr.

She sent us images of the sea, the water was in their weyr! And the sky, black and lightning all around. She was afraid of it, she wanted to leave, even if it meant being struck by lightning.

Then we didn't hear anymore. She died.

K'ndar shuddered, imagining how dying in a hurricane must have felt. Losing the real Weyrwoman, Danelle, in such an ugly way still hurt. Losing Jenmay had been a relief, but they all still missed the gentle Jiannath.

What was the feeling Jiannath sent? About Jenmay?

She...she said Jenmay didn't care about her anymore. Trust! She had no trust in her anymore.

Yes. You understand.

Yes. Now I understand. I trust you.

And I, you. Always.

K'ndar yawned, his mind laboring under the dual actions of discussing with Raventh and pushing sleep back.

I'm getting tired, Raventh, so I will ask you: what do you think of our moving to the Hold?

After several long moments, Raventh said, I hear you wanting to try it. Can you change back if you don't like it? It won't be a burnt bridge, correct?

Correct. No burned bridges. And yes, we could change back. This would be a 'job', not a commitment.

If I asked to be able to go back to the Weyr to see my friends, to talk with dragons, could we do that?

OF COURSE.

Whenever I wanted?

If we're not on duty, I can't think of why not. I'd like it, too. Remember, we can go ANYWHERE. It's not just back to Kahrain. We could go to Landing, to see Francie and Motanith, we could go to see B'rost and Rath at Healer Hall...we could go ...well, we could ASK to see Ruth at Ruatha. We're dragons. Dragons can go anywhere.

Then, I think we should try it. I can see in your mind you want to try it. So let's do it.

Yes. Let's.