Chap. 32 Impression is forever

Chap 32  Impression is forever

Fland and K'ndar were suddenly left abandoned by Daryat and Hariko, the two women deep in conversation as they walked away, arms linked.

K'ndar felt a bit uncomfortable. There was one huge thing on both their minds, but K'ndar didn't dare bring it up. Fland summoned his courage and did so. 

"Raventh," was all he said.

K'ndar nodded, knowing there was so much to say, wondering how far did he dare push it, knowing, now, how painful it was for Fland to just be within sight and sound of dragons.

"Thank you for coming. I know what it's costing you."

Fland nodded, unable to say everything in just a few words.

 "B'rant told me about your accident, and how you lost your dragon. I had no idea." He stopped, warily wondering how closely he was coming to an edge he did not want Fland to go over. He knew, too well, now, just how devastating losing one's dragon could possibly be. He hoped to never find out. He'd sooner die first.

"It wasn't something I could just, uh, discuss with just anyone. NOW you understand. Only a dragon rider can."

Careful. He is afraid of the pain. It is a very old hurt. He wants something but he doesn't know if he should attempt it. Or if he can bear it. It feels like his heart has been scored by Thread

Raventh said.

In a way, and long ago, he was. He lost his dragon, but most of him didn't die.

Fland immediately knew that the two were talking. He took a deep breath and let it out, slowly. If he'd been a drinker, he'd have taken a huge gulp of anything alcoholic, just to kill the pain. But that never worked…like a wound, the pain would always return when the alcohol wore off.

K'ndar said, "I wore your Weyrling braid. It gave me courage. It was good luck, Uncle Fland. What shall I do with it? Give it back to B'rant for another to wear?" 

Fland shook his head. "I don't want it back. Do with it what you please. But I'm glad to hear that you wore it. It wasn't luck, K'ndar that brought you through training, nay, it was that brain between your ears. You are a good man, my lad, and I'm proud to have you as my nephew."

They looked at each other. K'ndar, unaccustomed to dealing with his uncle as a man, not a boy, hesitated, then decided to ask the question, hoping it didn't hurt the man.

"I fully understand why you wouldn't want to but-would you like to meet Raventh?"

Fland's face blanched. He thought for a long time, his hand unconsciously tapping the table, hard, fast, then slowing. His eyes searched the horizon, without seeing. Could he bring himself to actually be close to a dragon again?

 Lenarth is still with you. He is you. You are him. You are still two hearts and one mind. Impression is forever

Fland rocked back, gasping as if he'd taken an arrow through the heart.

K'ndar panicked.

"Are you okay??" he cried.

It took several moments for Fland to actually speak. It had been so very long, yet that touch, that feathery touch, was as familiar as if it had been spoken aloud.

"Your..your..Raventh spoke to me."

K'ndar was astonished. To his knowledge, Raventh had never spoken to anyone but him. Dragons seldom did. It was usually too personal. For a split second, he felt a pang of jealousy, jealous that his dragon had had a private word with someone else-then immediately was overwhelmed with the kindness shown by his dragon.

K'ndar loves you. He respects you more than the Weyrleader. You are more his sire than his sire. You have always been his dragonstone

Dragonstone. Guide to all dragons and riders. If one knew the dragonstone, one could always find one's way home.

Despite the pain, Fland was comforted by the fact that one, he could still hear a dragon, and two, honored that Raventh had chosen to speak to him. He'd never revealed his dragon's name to his family. He never would. But if Raventh knew it, then-then Lenarth was still in his soul. Maybe he was who he was, had survived losing him, BECAUSE of Lenarth's courage, and love.

Thank you. I love K'ndar, too. You are-you are a very nice dragon. Thank you.

He looked at K'ndar. There were no tears in his eyes, having cried them dry years before-but his heart had swollen with an entire ocean of emotions that he had to process. Funny, he thought, how twenty years of pain could possibly be eased, if only slightly, by a few remarks from someone else's dragon. But one who understood him. Only a dragon could be in a rider's heart.

He steeled himself.

"I think, um, um, yes. I think I would like to meet Raventh."

Softly. Gently. He is almost there

Yes. It is kind of you to talk to him.

"When?" K'ndar asked, softly, gently.

Fland took a deep breath, steadying his soul.

You have always had courage. It is part of who you are. It is why you are here.

It is why K'ndar is here. You taught him to be who he is. 

He sighed, savoring the contact, even were it not his own dragon.

"When."  When. He knew himself well. If he let himself mull it over tonight, he'd never get any sleep and he might not have the courage tomorrow.

He took the fearful step.

"Now is as good a time as any, I guess. I know you'll be busy later on."

Raventh was outside their weyr, as always, watching the sea for dolphins.

K'ndar wrapped his arms around the brown's warm, strong neck and pressed his face against it. Two hearts, beating as one. Then he stepped aside.

No words were spoken. None were necessary. 

The brown dropped his head level with Fland's chest. His eyes whirled a reassuring blue. He didn't pressure the older man.

Fland stood, looking without seeing, hearing the blood roaring in his ears. His heart ached. He was afraid. The curve of the neck, the neatly furled wings, the claws having drawn great furrows in the sand-it was all the same. Just like yesterday. Before IT happened….

He shut his eyes, savoring the spicy scent of a clean, healthy dragon. Then he reached out and touched Raventh's head, his hand running up to the horns, automatically scratching right where a dragon loves it.

Raventh said not a word, feeling the man's pain. Even he was unable to decide if this was a good idea.  Maybe, this way, the man's pain might go away.

K'ndar said not a word. He could only imagine what it took for his uncle to do this. He felt honored, and privileged, that Fland chose to do this. And that he had a dragon that he could do this with-and for-his uncle.

Fland, his eyes still tightly shut, stroked Raventh's neck. His fingers instinctively went for the  great artery, seeking and finding the reassuring slow, steady pulse of a dragon's heart.  Ran his hands down to the great foreleg, remembering so very well how to ask for a bend on which to mount. His hands knowing without having to see, every muscle, every bone.

Lenarth. Oh, Lenarth.

His heart, his heart. It fluttered against his ribs like a caged bird trying to escape. Grief, long dammed up behind a stone wall of survival, broke free. Like a cataract, it flooded his soul in one great shock of pain-and then was gone, to be replaced by a clean, clear emptiness. Not joy, not sorrow-but relief and release.

Acceptance. Catharsis. Release.

Lenarth. Lenarth. Oh, my Lenarth, I've missed you so

Fland opened his eyes, shocked to see the dragon was not Lenarth, but Raventh.

He shut them again-and it was Lenarth's skin. Lenarth's breathing. In his heart, in his soul.

I have always been here Lenarth said, from a spot deep in his mind, where he lived. We will always be together

I have missed you. I am so happy to have you home, here with me

Fland smiled. He backed away, opened his eyes, and exhaled.

He bowed to Raventh.

"Thank you."